What is LIFE?

Recently, I realized that “Life is short” and I have no idea how much longer I have on this planet. So I asked myself if I knew that I was going to die tomorrow, what would I do today? And of course, being a mom, I would write a letter to my daughter, Devi. So…the letter would go as follows...

Hey Devi,

I want you to know that even though I may have experienced many more years on this planet than you, it doesn't mean that I have more knowledge than you so I won’t give you any advice. What I want to share here is how I observe my life and I would suggest that you do the same as you are trying to live as a human being.

When I was little I often only had white rice with soy source for breakfast. According to society, I was poor ……but at that time I didn’t know about society yet …so I was living happily.:)

When I was growing up, I was given a taste for drugs. As the drugs would penetrate my body, I became addicted. I cried out for the drugs to the point that to be without them I would rather die. These drugs were handed out by society, namely in the form of approval, appreciation, attention and so on. I lived my life seeking out those drugs from society. I was not allowed to enjoy the solid, nutritious food of life - such as work, play, laughter, and the company of people.

I was told that I must study hard, get a good job, and then earn a lot of money and I will live a happy and successful life. So I spent most of my time studying hard and I tried my best to get a “good” job. Then, when I eventually got a “good” job, I was told that I needed to get married, buy a house, a car, travel the world, you name it. Our society and cultures drill that into our heads day and night. I studied and worked tirelessly …and in the end, it was all for those drugs. I needed the drugs to survive. I was living my every day as a robot. When society finally accepted me and told me that I am a “good” girl, I was happy. And when society didn’t accept me, I was not happy. I am not living my life as a human being.

I understood these drugs after I read the book “Stop Fixing Yourself” by Anthony De Melo. I learned that in order to live my life to the fullest as a human being, I would need to get rid of this drug. But as the book suggested the only way to solve this problem would be to understand myself by observing my reactions and being aware of myself. And what does it mean to be aware of oneself? It means for example when you are angry with someone, do you know why you are angry with them? Do you understand yourself at that moment? And when you understand yourself, your anger will be reduced. I used to get very annoyed when someone asked me when will I get married. If they asked me again now, I would not be angry anymore. It’s not because I already got married. But it is because I understand myself and I am aware of the root cause of this pain. I was so attached to seeking approval from society. Society only accepts those who study hard, get a good job, get married, etc. When I didn’t meet these criteria, I felt ashamed and got angry with anyone who asked me. Now that I understand this, I am not affected by this question anymore.

While I was writing this letter, I was anxious about my current job hunting situation. I asked myself why I was anxious. Because I attach to the status of being a good girl again. A good girl must have a good job. I was seeking approval from society once again. When I understood this, I felt less anxious because I wasn’t living my life to seek approval from anyone anymore. I am still searching for a job though but now I have less anxiety.

You might think that if we had no cravings, we would be like deadwood. But in fact, we would lose some of our tension. We get rid of our fear of failure and our tension about succeeding. We will be ourselves and relaxed. We would not be driving with our brakes on.

There is a lovely saying of Chuang Tzu, a great Chinese sage. “When the archer shoots for no particular prize, he has all his skills; when he shoots to win a brass buckle, he is already nervous; when he shoots for a gold prize, he goes blind, sees two targets, and is out of his mind. His skill has not changed, but the prize divides him. He cares! He thinks more of winning than of shooting, and the need to win drains him of power.” When we are living for nothing, we have got all the skills. We are relaxed, we don’t care, it doesn’t matter whether we win or lose. We have all the energy to pursue our goal.

Having a good job, being famous, or having a great reputation has nothing to do with happiness or success. So I will find a mediocre job that I like to do and just earn enough to live. It’s very easy to live. We don’t need an expensive car to live, we don’t need expensive make-up to live, we don’t need to go to an expensive restaurant to live. We don’t need to be accepted by anyone to live.

Here are what I am trying to do now. First, I am still trying to understand myself by observing my reactions. If I feel anxious about any situation, I need to understand why I am anxious. If I am stressed, I need to understand why I am stressed. Second, I am learning to enjoy the solid food of life: good food, and good water. I taste them. I lose my mind and come to my sense. I will enjoy the good discussion with my colleagues, friends and family. I will try to be present with them and enjoy the moment.

I will write you another letter if I can observe anything else about my life.

Love from Mom.